I met James Handfield-Jones on the eve of Chinese New Year at the palatial mansion of former Sarawak Environment Minister come timber tycoon; James Wong. James Handfield-Jones was an IT consultant based in Britain until three years ago, when he ditched his job, moved to Sarawak, and set about surveying, photographing, and studying the regions caves. This is no small task. Following the 1962-1973 communist uprising, the government has virulently opposed the dissemination of any topographical maps fearing their use in guerilla warfare. Thus, James follows maps from the the 1957 British Geological Survey, and indigenous knowledge. In just three months he mapped over 150 caves, and outstripped all official knowledge. Three years down the road he has surveyed and documented 451 caves but has really just scratched the surface. His company, Kuching Caving offers fantastic tours of Sarawak’s underworld.

"His nationality was no surprise. If there by any eyrie so desolate, or isle so remote, that one may there resort unchallenged by an Englishman, 'tis not down on any map I ever saw." David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas, 2004

While maps are essential to big picture understanding of Sarawak’s caves, nothing is more valuable than the knowledge of Borneo’s indigenous populations who have spent centuries collecting Swiftlet nests from the regions caves. The demand for swiftlet nests came with the arrival of the Chinese in Sarawak over 500 years ago, and their bottomless appetite for Bird’s Nest Soup. Bird’s Nest Soup is a chinese delicacy that is prized by many but only available to the very rich. Costing $30-$100US per bowl, it is one of the most expensive products consumed by humans. Bird’s nests are believed to have numerous medicinal properties such as increasing libido and life expectancy. Swiftlets nest high on cave walls and are common throughout Borneo. At $2000US/kg the collection of nests is incredibly profitable,  but extremely dangerous. Collectors climb bamboo scaffolding to heights up to 400 feet without any safety  equipment. Collectors die regularly from falls. On one outing, our local guide Frankie pointed out to me the various places were his great grandfather, his grandfather, his uncle and two of his cousins had died or been permanently disfigured from falls.

I was lucky enough to spend a few days searching and exploring with James and a couple of his cronies: Chris and “The Mistress”, a beastly 1973 Land Rover.

Chinese New Year in Kuching is an extreme week that fells many mountains: of food, of liquor, of cash, and of fireworks. Each family spends copious amounts of money on supposedly illegal fireworks and the city into a war zone. Waking with the sun, a brown cloud of haze blankets the normally clear skies.

Malaysians refer to Swinburne University as “Babi Bakar”, which translates to “Pork Roast”. One can only dream  what goes down inside those gates…

I rafted the Padas River with Riverbug Rafting. We started the morning with a bus ride from Kota Kinabalu through the coastal mountains of Sabah that would give the Sea to Sky a serious run for its money. From there we jumped a goofy old diesel train that took us to the put in. This train and its tracks are the only way to access to the river, the adjacent communities, and the only way to shuttle rafts. The locals have built train track skate boards out of roller bearings and forklift pallets that they push around with long staves. Genius. The Padas rafting companies employ locals to shuttle rafts on these track boards. The river has sets in the CIII-CIV neighborhood, with lots of current and minimal paddling. My guides Brian and Canon let me guide a boat of clients down number of these sets, which was exciting as I hadn’t done a second of scouting.

Rafting tourism on the Padas River is but another example of the benefits of the industry for conservation and development. Though the river has been dammed, and much of the region logged, along the commercially run section logging has ceased and numerous locals profit from and are employed by the raft companies.

So the west gets obesity and the east gets Double Prosperity?!? How is that fair? They also get delivery, real eggs, and hot sauce. wtf.

Asia makes me feel like a giant; there are some tall people, but pipsqueak is the standard.

In Sabah I was blessed with a car to putz around in; a Malaysian whip called a Kancil (pronounced ‘can chill’). It was not much more than a go-kart with turning signals and a roof, but this little monster could U-turn on a two lane street and accelerate like it stole something. But the damn thing was so small that I had to drive it with the seat rolled all the way back, my shoes off, and my legs crossed so my knees wouldn’t hit the steering wheel.

My size makes buying clothes and shoes here nearly impossible. I can still get the expensive stuff I can get at home, but the cheap awesome knock-offs are all at least three sizes too small. The only two shirts I’ve bought are both XXL but fit tight.

Its also rather problematic not being about to tell if someone just had their twelfth birthday or is thinking about retirement… But thats a different story.

I spent last week in Kota Kinabalu, the capital of Sabah. KK has some of the best seafood on the planet. I don’t think I ate a terrestrial animal all week. But ordering seafood as a white guy in Asia is not easy.

On my first night in I went to the Seri Selera Seafood Court; a huge open air market of dining tables surrounded by stacks of fish tanks from competing restaurants. Upon entering I was instantly swarmed by waiters berating me with the hustle of a thousand Green Peace volunteers: “You sit down! You have drink! You order!” Refusing to succumb without a fight I pushed on to somewhat quieter corner of the battlefield where I thought I could eat in peace…

I asked my new, less aggressive waitress how much for a crab.

“Eight Ringgit!”

Word. That’s not even three bucks.

“Okay, I”ll take a crab. How much for prawns?”

“Fifteen Ringgit!”

“Okay, prawns too.”

I tacked on some jungle ferns and a big bottle of Tiger, and sat down to wait for my food… What I didn’t realize was that my waitress was selling me kilograms, not individual servings, despite having told her I was flying solo. What came was a kilo of crab, a kilo of prawns, a kilo of jungle ferns, and a big bowl of rice.

Then commenced the most obnoxious serving on the planet. On a slow night at Seri Selera, which it was, there are more servers than people. They gather and stare at you and chuckle as you eat, top up your glass every time you take a sip, change your plate when it still has food on it, and do everything short of feeding you. After 1.5 hours of uninterrupted gluttony, I threw in the towel with only a few prawn heads uneaten. I went home knowing I weighed 3 kilos more than at breakfast, and I had not come out on top.

The next evening I caved to another pusher and ordered steamed squid by the waterfront. The squid was sensational, but too pricey, so not a victory.

The following night, I dined with some staff from Borneo adventure at this amazing floating restaurant with traditional dancing. We ate soft shell crab, a huge grouper, squid, prawns, and a small mountain of veggies. It was definitely a win; but not one I can take credit for since I was with locals who did all the ordering. It wasn’t until my last night that I finally struck gold.

After some wandering I found a gorgeous food court by the beach. I knew it was going to be good because it was packed with people, and I was the only white person in sight. I had an amazing roast fish with chili sauce, a big plate of veggies and rice, fresh mango juice, and a fresh coconut all for less than $10. I feasted as the sun set over the South China Sea.

Borneo has fantastic coffee. The average cup of cheap diner brew demolishes anything that Timmy Ho’s or Starbucks would sell you for 300-600% more. The coffee grown in Borneo is Coffea robusta originating in Western and Central Africa. C. robusta was first gathered by Belgians in 1890 from the Lomana, a tributary of the Congo River. From the Congo, C. robusta was shipped to Brussels and eventually to Java, from where it spread throughout Borneo.

Coffea robusta makes up about 1/4-1/3 of coffee cultivated world wide. The other 3/4 being Coffea arabica. C. robusta is grown in Borneo because it can thrive in warmer climates, requires less care, and is less susceptible to disease than C. arabica. Though C. arabica is generally considered to have better flavour; C. robusta is of stronger body, contains 40-50% more caffeine, and foams a better crema when used for espresso.

Ordering Coffee (Kopi) here as a foreigner can be a bit of a quandary; complicated Borneo’s lack of fresh dairy, and that servers will give you more fixings the less you say. If you say you want Kopi, the will give you coffee with a huge load of this heinous sweetened condensed milk that is made from palm oil, looks slightly brown, and smells beastly. If you want a less revolting dairy product you say Kopi C which will get you coffee with unsweetened evaporated milk and a ton of sugar. Finally, to order coffee with just the milk and no sugar you say Kopi C kosong (empty). Replace the C with O if you want it black. Aside from the odd cup served with milk curdled to the texture of soggy cornflakes, Borneo coffee is really really good. For the best espresso in Kuching, go to The Black Bean Coffee & Tea Company on Carpenter street.

Big spiders, big view

Ok, a quick nerd-out on Iban canoes. These canoes are amazing. They are made exclusively from jungle timber, and nails; sealed with natural rubber (synthetic rubber falls out when the boats hit rocks so it isn’t used). It takes a few days to fell the trees and shape the pieces, a few months for these pieces to dry, and then about another week or so to fully assemble the boat (give or take depending on the skill of the builder, size, and style).

These canoes are designed to go both up and down rivers, on lakes, and to carry large loads. They can be polled, paddled, motored, or pushed. To allow them to navigate rapids on the way up and the way down they are very long and slender with wide, two-chine planing hulls. This allows them to float high in the water, with minimal displacement and resistance in current. The hull sides stick out at wide angles which is genius because it allows these canoes to traverse current without having to tilt, and greatly reducing any chance of catching an edge.